Sometimes... like this morning. I just sit and cry. BFN again this morning. And I’m scared. Scared that it was a freak chance we got pregnant before. Scared it won’t happen. Scared I’ll be childless, scared I’ll never be happy again. Scared I’ll become destructive. Scared I’ll ruin my wonderful relationship because I want a child more than I want anything. Scared that I have to go through this every month again and again. Just fucking scared. And sad. Sad I lost my baby, sad I’m not the 4 months pregnant I should be. Sad I have to do it all over again. Sad I never got to meet the baby. Sad that I’ve lost all joy in my life. Sad for my OH who has to deal with me. Sad that I waited so long. Sad that I might not have the chance again.
There’s no ounce of hope this morning. And that’s ok. I have the space to cry on my own. And then I’ll get up, shower and brush my teeth and go to work as if none of it happened. But knowing full well that it’s all a front because I know no matter how much I laugh or smile throughout the day....
I will never be happy until I’m pregnant again.
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