Cervical Position

Ok... so... this one gets me. I have NO idea what I’m feeling for. I can’t find any donut up there!

Below is what I googled. AND there are pictures!! Haha. So I’ve been poking around for days trying to figure it out. I’ll keep trying for the month, but I have NO idea what I’m doing down there!

The positions to know are:

1. After the Menstrual Cycle: The cervix will tilt toward your rectum following your period. You’ll find that the cervix is firm and closed at this time.
2. Before Ovulation: As the estrogen levels in the body increase, the cervix begins to straighten, becoming softer and partially open.
3. Around Ovulation: The most important position for women trying to get pregnant is the positioning right before ovulation. This can be determined by a cervix that is vertical, open and very soft.
4. From Ovulation to Menstruation:Heading back to the first position after ovulation, the cervix will begin to move back toward the rectum, will start to firm, and will be closed. This feels a lot like the position right after menstruation.

The rule is this:

• Low: Your cervix is low if you are able to insert your finger up to just one knuckle before reaching the cervix.
• Medium: You are able to insert your finger to the second knuckle (the middle of the finger).
• High: A high cervix will allow you to insert an entire finger into the vagina. You’ll be able to insert your finger up until the start of the hand.

The start of a new cycle

This is where I’m all cool, calm and collected. I look like I’ve got my shit together. I think it’s actually just cos there ain’t much happening. AF has just finished, my CBFM weirdly is registering high already on cd6&7 and 2 faint lines in IC OPKs (which I normally get no line on until later in the cycle)

OH has stepped in this month to take charge of ttc. We’ll be doing a 10 marathon from his birthday cd9-cd19. This will cover all bases no day left unattended. Provided we don’t die before hand. 10 days of DTD May sound amazing in your 20s or on holiday, but when you have two demanding jobs, pets to look after, an 11yr old at the weekends and general household chores to do it sort of falls into the ‘chore’ category. Outside of TTC our sex life is ok. We’re not spring chickens, but it works for both of us. And each time is great. Now..... it’s sort of taken the fun out. There’s definitely a difference between ttc sex and sex for fun. But we’ve spoken about it and we gotta do what we gotta do. 

So we’ve got our plan for the month, I got my natural progesterone cream and my pineapple that I’ll be eating in the tww. So we’re good to go. 

So far this month my temps are way lower than usual. Under 36degrees. Nice and stable. Hoping for a nice easy month.

Puppy or puppies

So my OH suggested today that we get TWO... yes 2 St. Bernard puppies! One of the brothers of our pup has been unreserved... we’d have Teddy and Bear if we got both of them!! Still not totally sold on the idea.. but babies are babies. And I just want babies to love!! 😍🐶🐻👶

End of AF

So as we approach the end of my second AF since MMC, I’m starting to think about how we’re going to target this month. OH has made it quite clear we’re going to give it all we’ve got this month. We’re going to DTD every day from cd10-cd17 (possibly cd20 depending on O) we’re not going to have sex prior to this (which we usual do to celebrate end of AF) but instead save the reserve for closer to the time. 

It’s had a certain appeal.. no sex until D day!! Haha almost like increasing the suspense!! 

Currently sat in the only bath of the month. Baths after this are banned (I’ve heard negative things about baths and TTC/pregnancy)

So this month we have every day sex, my progesterone cream has arrived which I’ll be trialing after O until AF/bfp and pineapple. 

Cross your fingers for an xmas baby!!!

On To A Christmas Baby....

We thats it AF FINALLY showed up. Kind of pleased. On discussion with OH (his suggestion) we're gonna hit it mega hard this next cycle. Cover all avenues. I've ordered a natural progesterone cream... which he's not too excited about me using. But we'll see....

This next cycle has big hope... last chance for a 2018 bub!!! i'll get the Christmas outfit ready!!

Utter Cycle Confusion

So I expected some strange things in my cycle after MC. But I wasn’t expecting this.

15dpo negative tests, temps are all over the place. FF keeps moving my O day. We’re back to the original day. What a ridiculous cycle. Just give me AF already so that I can get onto the next month. 

Talk about testing a woman! As if it’s not hard enough to see a BFN every morning!! Now to not see AF either!! 

The difference between a man and a woman... (in my household)

My OH wakes up of a day and gets up, has a shower, heads off to work, happy, cheerful, excited for the day. He loves his job, eats his lunch, has a great day, heads home, potters round the house, tidying up, unloading the dishwasher (yes he’s an amazing partner) watches tv, happy to see me, asks what’s wrong, eats his dinner, says I’m a little quiet, watches tv, heads up to bed, brushes his teeth, makes jokes, gets into bed, falls asleep, wakes up of a day and gets up.....etc.

I on the other hand.... lie there crying while he’s in the shower, pretend to be asleep so I don’t have to make conversation, thinking about how different we are and how alone I feel and how scared I am about never having a baby and I think about this all day long. I have no idea what happens during the day and then I get home and he asks what’s wrong and I say, “nothing” trying to sound cheerful while I sit thinking why he needs to ask me, he went through it too right? I push my food around my plate, wishing it to be bed time so I can lie alone in silence, in the dark so no one can hear or see me cry. We go to bed and I lie there listening to his heavy breathing wondering how his heart lets him sleep. 

With every day I watch our relationship strain more and more. A tragedy that at the time made us closer than ever, but now distances us completely. He carries on like it never happened. I’m frozen in a place where I wish the whole world would just stop. Or rewind or do anything except move forward. And every day that goes by he expects me to be less sad and every day that goes by I get sadder. 

We are in such different places that he doesn’t seem to even know what I’m sad about and I’m mind blown. He wasn’t sad about the loss. He has a child already. He has a legacy. This loss didn’t seem to matter. I’m in this alone. His words when I ask him about it are ‘I was devastated for you’ they resonate with me every day!

But I don’t want to pretend any more. But I know I’ll have to. I’ll have to pretend during FW next month. Because yet again I sit here waiting for AF to show her face as the ending to another wasted cycle. 

My years are now made up of cycles not months. And Pre-ov time and FW and ovulation and TWWs and AFs. I know there are two cycles until my ‘babymoon’ and 3 cycles until my birthday and my OH’s birthday is FW and my mums birthday is in a TWW... it’s never ending. This is my future... and I’m in it on my own.