The crazy stages of a cycle

I find myself with a range of emotions throughout the month and cycle.

AF - so sad that we haven’t caught

Cd4-5 - angry that other people have it so easy 

Cd6-8 - positive and I create plans and add things to try with this cycle

Cd9-cd14 - proactive and stressing about ovulation and frantically convincing a tired OH to DTD

Cd15-cd20 - analysing every non symptom and convincing myself that, even though we haven’t had sex nearly enough, I’m definitely pregnant and testing from 8dpo

Cd20-cd26 - turning into a miserable loon because I definitely am not pregnant because test are all negative and then stressing out until utter misery hits if AF.

And EVERY month my other half has to deal with this. 

This month however I feel is a little better. My hormones have levelled out a little more, my cycle seems back to normal. We’re on cd14 possible ovulation. We’re in day 6 of our 10day marathon. And I feel good. We’ve hit every possible day. Ovulation is yesterday or today. Chart looks good. I feel relaxed. I’m going to try natural progesterone cream and pineapple core in this TWW. And if we haven’t caught this month, I know there is NOTHING else we could have done! 

DTD Marathon?

So I’m currently day three of our 10 day marathon.

I’ve been massively upset recently and it’s been nice to have something else to focus on. First OHs birthday and now fun ways to keep DTD interesting to ensure the longevity of the 10day stint.

We’ve thrown in a few new positions, and now I’m sat with my legs up the wall hoping that his guys get up there well. NO idea if it works or not, but we’ll see! Also reading conflicting advice re DTD every day vs every other day. But OH doesn’t seem to have an issue with swimmers, so we figured hey let’s try every day for 10 days. 

He never actually got tested. He was booked in for the Tuesday and the Saturday before I got my BFP. So he never went to get his swimmers checked. If no bfp in a couple of months he may have to go get checked. 

Cervical Position

Ok... so... this one gets me. I have NO idea what I’m feeling for. I can’t find any donut up there!

Below is what I googled. AND there are pictures!! Haha. So I’ve been poking around for days trying to figure it out. I’ll keep trying for the month, but I have NO idea what I’m doing down there!

The positions to know are:

1. After the Menstrual Cycle: The cervix will tilt toward your rectum following your period. You’ll find that the cervix is firm and closed at this time.
2. Before Ovulation: As the estrogen levels in the body increase, the cervix begins to straighten, becoming softer and partially open.
3. Around Ovulation: The most important position for women trying to get pregnant is the positioning right before ovulation. This can be determined by a cervix that is vertical, open and very soft.
4. From Ovulation to Menstruation:Heading back to the first position after ovulation, the cervix will begin to move back toward the rectum, will start to firm, and will be closed. This feels a lot like the position right after menstruation.

The rule is this:

• Low: Your cervix is low if you are able to insert your finger up to just one knuckle before reaching the cervix.
• Medium: You are able to insert your finger to the second knuckle (the middle of the finger).
• High: A high cervix will allow you to insert an entire finger into the vagina. You’ll be able to insert your finger up until the start of the hand.

The start of a new cycle

This is where I’m all cool, calm and collected. I look like I’ve got my shit together. I think it’s actually just cos there ain’t much happening. AF has just finished, my CBFM weirdly is registering high already on cd6&7 and 2 faint lines in IC OPKs (which I normally get no line on until later in the cycle)

OH has stepped in this month to take charge of ttc. We’ll be doing a 10 marathon from his birthday cd9-cd19. This will cover all bases no day left unattended. Provided we don’t die before hand. 10 days of DTD May sound amazing in your 20s or on holiday, but when you have two demanding jobs, pets to look after, an 11yr old at the weekends and general household chores to do it sort of falls into the ‘chore’ category. Outside of TTC our sex life is ok. We’re not spring chickens, but it works for both of us. And each time is great. Now..... it’s sort of taken the fun out. There’s definitely a difference between ttc sex and sex for fun. But we’ve spoken about it and we gotta do what we gotta do. 

So we’ve got our plan for the month, I got my natural progesterone cream and my pineapple that I’ll be eating in the tww. So we’re good to go. 

So far this month my temps are way lower than usual. Under 36degrees. Nice and stable. Hoping for a nice easy month.

Puppy or puppies

So my OH suggested today that we get TWO... yes 2 St. Bernard puppies! One of the brothers of our pup has been unreserved... we’d have Teddy and Bear if we got both of them!! Still not totally sold on the idea.. but babies are babies. And I just want babies to love!! 😍🐶🐻👶

End of AF

So as we approach the end of my second AF since MMC, I’m starting to think about how we’re going to target this month. OH has made it quite clear we’re going to give it all we’ve got this month. We’re going to DTD every day from cd10-cd17 (possibly cd20 depending on O) we’re not going to have sex prior to this (which we usual do to celebrate end of AF) but instead save the reserve for closer to the time. 

It’s had a certain appeal.. no sex until D day!! Haha almost like increasing the suspense!! 

Currently sat in the only bath of the month. Baths after this are banned (I’ve heard negative things about baths and TTC/pregnancy)

So this month we have every day sex, my progesterone cream has arrived which I’ll be trialing after O until AF/bfp and pineapple. 

Cross your fingers for an xmas baby!!!

On To A Christmas Baby....

We thats it AF FINALLY showed up. Kind of pleased. On discussion with OH (his suggestion) we're gonna hit it mega hard this next cycle. Cover all avenues. I've ordered a natural progesterone cream... which he's not too excited about me using. But we'll see....

This next cycle has big hope... last chance for a 2018 bub!!! i'll get the Christmas outfit ready!!

Utter Cycle Confusion

So I expected some strange things in my cycle after MC. But I wasn’t expecting this.

15dpo negative tests, temps are all over the place. FF keeps moving my O day. We’re back to the original day. What a ridiculous cycle. Just give me AF already so that I can get onto the next month. 

Talk about testing a woman! As if it’s not hard enough to see a BFN every morning!! Now to not see AF either!! 

The difference between a man and a woman... (in my household)

My OH wakes up of a day and gets up, has a shower, heads off to work, happy, cheerful, excited for the day. He loves his job, eats his lunch, has a great day, heads home, potters round the house, tidying up, unloading the dishwasher (yes he’s an amazing partner) watches tv, happy to see me, asks what’s wrong, eats his dinner, says I’m a little quiet, watches tv, heads up to bed, brushes his teeth, makes jokes, gets into bed, falls asleep, wakes up of a day and gets up.....etc.

I on the other hand.... lie there crying while he’s in the shower, pretend to be asleep so I don’t have to make conversation, thinking about how different we are and how alone I feel and how scared I am about never having a baby and I think about this all day long. I have no idea what happens during the day and then I get home and he asks what’s wrong and I say, “nothing” trying to sound cheerful while I sit thinking why he needs to ask me, he went through it too right? I push my food around my plate, wishing it to be bed time so I can lie alone in silence, in the dark so no one can hear or see me cry. We go to bed and I lie there listening to his heavy breathing wondering how his heart lets him sleep. 

With every day I watch our relationship strain more and more. A tragedy that at the time made us closer than ever, but now distances us completely. He carries on like it never happened. I’m frozen in a place where I wish the whole world would just stop. Or rewind or do anything except move forward. And every day that goes by he expects me to be less sad and every day that goes by I get sadder. 

We are in such different places that he doesn’t seem to even know what I’m sad about and I’m mind blown. He wasn’t sad about the loss. He has a child already. He has a legacy. This loss didn’t seem to matter. I’m in this alone. His words when I ask him about it are ‘I was devastated for you’ they resonate with me every day!

But I don’t want to pretend any more. But I know I’ll have to. I’ll have to pretend during FW next month. Because yet again I sit here waiting for AF to show her face as the ending to another wasted cycle. 

My years are now made up of cycles not months. And Pre-ov time and FW and ovulation and TWWs and AFs. I know there are two cycles until my ‘babymoon’ and 3 cycles until my birthday and my OH’s birthday is FW and my mums birthday is in a TWW... it’s never ending. This is my future... and I’m in it on my own. 

What NOT to say....

I never realised until i lost a baby just how sensitive certain topics can be. I remember asking a very good couple friend of mine... 'you guys have been married for ages when are you gonna have a baby' to which they always replied....'maybe in a year or so... work is really busy'. The truth was they've been trying for two years. They're now expecting a baby in a couple of weeks. But its something that maybe just isn't considered. As great friends of mine, i NEVER even considered the fact that they were struggling to conceive.

But you learn from your mistakes.... so please think twice before saying:
When are you going to have a baby?
Are you going to have more?
Gosh the age gaps getting bigger...
You guys have been married for ages?
Tick tick tick... you've not got much time left!!
Any babies on the horizon?
I thought you always wanted kids... didn't you?
No kids yet?
Its your turn... Come on...
Jump on the bandwagon....

These are just some of the things that have been said to me or i've heard.... THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK.... and remember not everyone has an easy ride!

Things not to say when someone's just lost a pregnancy.....
It just wasn't meant to be
Better to have lost it early
You'll get pregnant again
You can just make another one
Maybe that one wasn't a good one
You'll get over it
At least you know you can conceive

Generally don't say anything... a simple 'Im so sorry for your loss' is all thats needed. These are just some of the things said to me by people. That i find myself repeating just to make people feel better about finding out. But you don't always have to say something.... sometimes just listening is enough.

Mothers Day

What a wonderful day with such horrible undertones for me. I love my mum. She's my inspiration. So today is all about her (except she has gone on holiday! so i celebrated with her yesterday). But I was going to be a mum later this year. So i had imagined (up until a 6 weeks ago) that this mothers day would be different.

It probably didn't help that my OH asked me what his son should but his mum for Mothers Day. And wanted me to go and help choose it. And i watched his son trot off today with his card, and flowers and present for his mummy, to wish her Happy Mothers Day, whilst i sat alone in the house.

So I spent today with my best friend. Who has two beautiful children. (one of whom is my god baby) I was handed, by her, my 'Happy Godmummy Day' present. For which i had no words. Utterly precious gift. My daffodils sit pride of place on my kitchen island with their little yellow bow, but the pain of the reality set in as her little face looked up at me, and my heart breaks that i may never have a little one hand me flowers. And i may never get the chance to be told 'Happy Mothers Day'.

So many little things in life that once we such a happy occasion, can suddenly be flipped on their head to a difficult day just because of an incident.

So to all of you out there, with kids, without kids, pregnant, or having suffered a loss.... Happy Mothers Day. You all deserve it. I for one know i'm a mummy, just without a baby right now.

Pupdate

Today I fell in love. It’s the first time I’ve felt true happiness since I lost the baby. And today I met my new baby. The newest member of the family... our 3 week old St. Bernard called Teddy. We get to bring him home in 5 weeks. I lose one... gain another! 

Puppies and pregnancy tests

So not entirely sure what’s going on today. Yesterday was an utter meltdown day. We can just write that off. Today is a new day. BFN again this morning. But two things I can take from this one is if I ovulated on the cd11 I am back to my 12 day LP. And if I ovulated on the cd13 I’m still at 10dpo so possibly too early to test. My CBFM isn’t asking for a test yet. Possibly tomorrow. That’s how I got my bfp last time. 

BUT... the silver lining of today is that we get to go see you puppy this afternoon!!! He’s the other addition to the household! Collection date....14th April!!!! Eek! 

Ectopic... what it’s really like... From someone who's been through it

After sharing my post with some amazingly strong women... One of the ladies shed some light on ectopic pregnancy (which I haven’t personally experienced). Anyway... I asked her if I could share her story and she said yes. So here it is....

Straight up I'd never heard of an ectopic until I had one and very almost didn't survive it to tell the tale. 

In this country as the NHS don't offer early scans unless there has been a previous problem or you pay private lots don't get picked up. Obvi if you get a early scan- as most ectopics rupture between weeks 5 and 10- you may be able to catch it. Then you are usually given a tablet which will terminate the baby. 

What happens mostly is that the tube (where the baby has most likely implanted) will rupture. This causes extreme abdominal pain. For me it was worse than my 4 day labour and I collapsed and was unable to walk. I also got very dizzy and started vomiting. This is life threatening. 

I called A&E who asked me if I had shoulder tip pain- which I didn't or was bleeding vaginally - which I wasn't. They then told me it didnt sound like an emergency and to make my way to the GP. Thankfully I called 111 who sent an ambulance which saved my life. I had been bleeding internally the whole time and when I arrived at hospital ghostly white with blood pressure half what it should have been I was rushed immediately into surgery where they had to cut me open to remove the tube and stop all the bleeding. I lost 3.5 litres and was given 6 blood transfusions. One symptom I did have was the urge to poo right before the pain which apparently only happens to 10%

I have also had a MMC and had an ERPC but this was very different.

I'm not sure what my point is and I really hope you're not thinking I'm a cow right now for writing this but I guess I just want to portray how urgent a ruptured ectopic is and how important it is to get to A&E immediately.

It’s ok to not be ok.

Sometimes... like this morning. I just sit and cry. BFN again this morning. And I’m scared. Scared that it was a freak chance we got pregnant before. Scared it won’t happen. Scared I’ll be childless, scared I’ll never be happy again. Scared I’ll become destructive. Scared I’ll ruin my wonderful relationship because I want a child more than I want anything. Scared that I have to go through this every month again and again. Just fucking scared. And sad. Sad I lost my baby, sad I’m not the 4 months pregnant I should be. Sad I have to do it all over again. Sad I never got to meet the baby. Sad that I’ve lost all joy in my life. Sad for my OH who has to deal with me. Sad that I waited so long. Sad that I might not have the chance again. 

There’s no ounce of hope this morning. And that’s ok. I have the space to cry on my own. And then I’ll get up, shower and brush my teeth and go to work as if none of it happened. But knowing full well that it’s all a front because I know no matter how much I laugh or smile throughout the day....

I will never be happy until I’m pregnant again. 

Life's just not giving me a break right now

Maybe this is how i have to look at it. I'm sat here... OH is in a hotel tonight, away with work, and i'm curled up on the sofa watching Teen Mom OG (i know total trash tv) and one of the girls on there had a miscarriage and they break down, and i break down and sit here crying, and i want to climb into the tv and hug them. Knowing the pain. I've cried a lot the last two days (lets blame it on hormones) And the guy just says "Life's just not giving me a break right now" and maybe thats just it.... simple.....

MMC, MC, Chemical, Ectopic, Blighted Ovum,

These may be terms that you hear about or have been through. To any of you who have been through any of these my heart goes out to you. And the devastation that it brings.

Some of you may have had a positive pregnancy test, and a week or a few days later, the line is no darker and you start to bleed. This is generally a chemical pregnancy. Its actually an early miscarriage (normally classes before 5 weeks) where it wouldn't show up on an ultrasound. Irrelevant of how early you find out, the loss of a baby is the same. Apparently chemical pregnancies happen to 75% of pregnancies, i guess some people don't know if they don't test early. This number astounds me! And actually the more i talk about miscarriages in general, the more i realise how many people have suffered. My mum always says to me its a new thing to understand early miscarriage, because back in 'her day' they didn't find out for months.

Then you have a miscarriage, when you lose the baby naturally before 23 weeks. Generally this begins as bleeding and cramping. It not to say that all spotting or bleeding is a miscarriage, but all spotting and bleeding should be checked out by a Dr, JUST IN CASE! Apparently 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. And it could be for many reasons. There could be a chromosomal abnormality where the baby just doesn't survive, it could be that the baby hasn't developed properly, but its also important to remember ITS NOT YOUR FAULT! Very rarely is it something that you've done (you'd have to be drinking, smoking and bungy-jumping all at the same time). So don't beat yourself up about it (easier said that done i know). I haven't experienced a natural miscarriage. Mine was a missed misscariage. But from the women i've spoken to about miscarriage, they've all had different experiences. Generally starting with bleeding and cramps, with both increasing in intensity. Prepare yourself to pass the baby in some form (depending on how far advanced) and i'd suggest heading straight to A&E. In the event that you haven't passed all the tissue and sac etc, you may have to go through surgical management to ensure all the remnants have been removed. Stock up on pain killers. There are great support groups on Mums Net. Occasionally women suffer from reoccurring miscarriage which is classed as 3 or more in a row. Only at this point will the investigate on the NHS.

Missed Miscarriage is what i went through. This is where the baby fertilises, implants, starts to grow, and for some reason just stops. I found out at almost 9 weeks, that the baby had stopped growing at almost 7 weeks. My body didn't realise. It was still testing positive, acting pregnant, I did lose some sickness which at the time i thought was just normal. But other than that i had no idea. I carried on as normal and had a total shock when we had an early reassurance scan and were told there was no heartbeat. I've mentioned earlier the options of natural, medical or surgical. Again... ITS NOT YOUR FAULT!! I've spent weeks telling myself this.

Blighted Ovum is where the baby fertilises, and implants, and the sac grows, but the embryo doesn't develop. So its just an empty sac. And your body will think you're pregnant. If you don't naturally miscarry, then it would be picked up on a scan. Apparently this is the cause of 50% of miscarriages in the first trimester (this is google giving me this info)

Ectopic pregnancy is where the baby fertilises, and implants, but it implants outside of the uterus (usually in the fallopian tube). Generally symptoms are abdominal pain, unusual vaginal bleeding. They also mention about shoulder tip pain. Dizziness and vomiting can be a sign. You may have NONE of these symptoms but don't disregard any kind of pain in your pregnancy. Apparently only 1 in 80 pregnancies are ectopic. An ectopic pregnancy is INCREDIBLY dangerous. It is so important to head straight to A&E or get someone to call an ambulance if you are in severe pain as the fallopian tube is likely to have ruptured which will cause major internal bleeding. If you are lucky enough to have had an early scan they will be able to confirm that the baby is in the the right or wrong place and may pick it up early enough. If its discovered they will usually give you a pill to terminate the pregnancy.

Conception...how it all works.... the low down! (without the technical sh*t)

I felt it was worth writing (to take my mind off my BFN this morning) about how conception ACTUALLY works. Until we began TTC i assumed you had sex a couple times and then BAM!!! A baby! But its totally more complex! For those of you who paid attention in sex ed at school you may know all of this, for those of you who don't then here's what i've learnt...

So there is actually only ONE day in your cycle that you conceive. (I know right!?!?! MIND-BLOWING)

Of course there is more than one day that you are fertile, but irrelevant of what day you have sex, the sperm meets the egg on the day the egg is released.

A few key facts:
Sperm lives for up to 5 days
An egg once released lives for up to 1 day
You tend to ovulate about 24/48 hours after your first positive OPK.

So what this means is if you're due to ovulate around cd14 (if you have a totally 'normal' 28 day cycle) then you want to be having sex as often as possible from cd10 - cd15.

You want to try where possible to have sex on the day of your positive OPK. As far as I'm aware there is no proven better position, so enjoy it whatever takes your fancy. And i always lay down with slightly raised hips for 20mins after.

Also i was mind-blown to find out that the semen that 'leaks' out after sex doesn't really contain much sperm, they've already left and started the journey up to the fallopian tube. So don't worry too much if  it all leaks out or if you have to go to the loo.

DONT USE REGULAR LUBE!!!! Most lubes contain spermicide. They have sperm friendly lube which helps the sperm travel. Some brands... Conceive Plus, Preseed, Fertile Check Gel. Personally i've only used Fertile Check, because i could buy it in boots. It was only later that i found out about the other two. I used it twice (on the sly from my OH because i think it could kill the mood) and we got our BFP that month. (this was the pregnancy we then lost at 7 weeks) But i like the gel. I don't have massive amounts of CM and having sex often, even when you're not in the mood, can need a little bit of help.

Thinking Time

Thinking Time is NEVER a good thing! Having now had some time to consider the facts today, I'm completely and utterly in a state about not catching this month. Totally convinced AF is on her way and even more confused about my body.

Of course the madwoman in me can think of nothing else, while my calm exterior carries on at work as if all is normal. And i start welling up.... is it the hormones still regulating two months later? Is it the monthly tidal wave crashing... is it the realisation that its not going to happen again. Or the fact that the 'fertility cape' i should have, must be on fire or something. Or the simple sad fact that i was hoping to tell my dad (who is DESPERATE to be a grandad) that this month's baby would be due on his birthday.

Why does it have to be this hard?

Can you stare at a test and turn it positive?

Probably not. But I’m giving it my best shot this morning. My mood is fowl!!! I’m cursing my OH who finally came home last night after a few nights away with work. But he woke me up when he got up and ready for work. So my BBT was guaranteed to be off. And of course then I needed to pee! So what else does one do at 6am... they POAS!! Hpt = BFN! So I went back to sleep.

I retook my temp when I woke up again after an hour and a half sleep (rule number 1 of temping always take it after at least 3 hours sleep) I’m now staring at the hpt. It’s only an IC but of course it’s as stark white as it can be. But apparently according to the crazy in my head, maybe if I keep looking at it, it’ll change. I’ve even fished it out the bin once... just to double check the pregnancy fairy hasn’t magically delivered a second line to me this morning. 

AND to make things worse. FF changed my cross lines today to say I O’d later on cd13, not 11 which means that of course means we DTD at the wrong time. So of course logically that’s my OH’s fault!! No doubt I’ll remind him of this when he gets home!!! Just ridiculous!! 🙈

D&C vs ERPC

A D&C is also called Dialation and Cutterage, it is where the dialate your cervix and remove the contents with forceps and/or a scapal. They scrape your womb lining off with a knife.

An ERPC or Evacuation of Retained Products of Conception is different. They also dialate your cervix, but the contents is removed by suction (manual or electronic, depending on what stage you are at). They then check all the lining of the womb is gone with a special tool they rub over the inside of your womb.

An ERPC recovery time is much quicker and there is much less bleeding afterwards. In the UK they do not use D+C for miscarriage, D+C is used for treating heavy periods. It is only ERPC;s that are used as a surgical option for treating miscarriage. (Please note this is what I was told by the doctor... but I’ve seen some people have said they had D&C recently) 

I had an ERPC. And was given a pill at 6am which started to dialate me prior to the operation. So as I was going into theatre I actually started to bleed. 

Abbreviations

So there are 100s of abbreviations but here are a few I refer to. If you’re a follower on Mumsnet, there are loads more. 

TTC- trying to conceive

BBT - basal body temperature 

OPK- ovulation prediction kit

DTD- do the dead (sex)

BD- baby dance (sex)

HPT- Home pregnancy test
IC - internet cheapie (hpt or opk)

BFP- big fat positive (pregnancy test)

BFN- big fat negative (pregnancy test)

POAS- pee on a stick

TMI- too much information 

TIA- thanks in advance

AF- Aunt Flo (period)

CBFM- clear blue fertility monitor

CBAFM- clear blue advanced fertility monitor 

CD- cycle day

DPO- days post ovulation

O- ovulation

TWW- two week wait (between ovulation and af/bfp)

CM- cervical mucus

EWCM- egg white cervical mucus

LMP- last menstrual period

MC- miscarriage

MMC- missed miscarriage 

ERPC- evacuation of retained product of conception

D&C- dilation and curettage

OH- other half 

DH- darling husband

DC- darling child

DD- darling daughter 

DS- darling son

IYKWIM- if you know what I mean

IYSWIM- if you see what I mean

IMO- in my opinion

IMHO- in my honest/humble opinion 

AIBU- am I being unreasonable

JFGI- just f*cking google it

WWYD- what would you do 

YWBU- you were being unreasonable

YWNBU- you were not being unreasonable 

The Dreaded TWW

So we all enter the Two Week Wait with excitement, optimism and relief that now you don't have to pounce on your other half. You can relax. No more pretending to be in the mood, when you're shattered!

For me... i do BBT. so i get a little bit of a mini lottery each morning. Similar to peeing on a stick. Each morning i hope for my temp to be high, to have a textbook chart, to have a nice steady rise with implantation dip and then sky high results. Very rarely does this actually happen. I think its all a myth.

I've attached my chart for this month. So you can see with every peak i've had a great day, and every drop, my heart drops with it!

General rule of temping, you look for a pattern. And any sane woman would look at at. Me... oh no. i look at each temp and i wanna cry every morning that the temp is not high. 

And the WAIT!!!! symptom spotting. Is this cough related. Is this back ache related? is this sneeze a symptom? You name it i've associated it with pregnancy. And google always confirms. I can find someone, somewhere who's had a symptom and been pregnant. 

Yet in november when i did get my BFP, i had no symptoms whatsoever! so even that become a symptom! Oh my life!

Waiting

As i said. Pregnancy is should be called the waiting game.. the art of waiting.

You wait for your period to end, you wait for a positive opk, you wait for the temp spike, you have the Two Week Wait, you test, you wait for it to develop, you wait for your period again. And if you manage to catch that month. You wait for sickness, or symptoms, you wait for your scan, you wait for the first kick, for the first movement, you wait for the bump to show, to grow, you wait for labour to start, you wait to meet your baby. 

Or... if in my case.... you wait for symptoms, you wait for the early scan, you realise you've lost it. Then you wait for a follow up scan, you wait for it to sink in, you wait for it to be over, you wait for the crying to stop, you wait to feel normal again, you wait to feel less empty, you wait for the pregnancy test to turn negative again so that you can try again, you wait for your life to start again. 

And when the bleeding stops, and the pregnancy test is negative you're back to waiting. Waiting for fertile week, ovulation, the dreaded TWW and then testing again... a vicious cycle.

And each month you're hit with a negative and AF, you don't think you can drop any lower, but you do, and all that excitement built up during the month where you think you've definitely DTD enough, and you feel good.... like a tidal wave, comes crashing down as your period shows up and proves you wrong. 

Pee on a Stick Addiction

I know i'm not alone on this topic! i speak to so many women on Mums Net. 

I think its a genuine addiction! 

Its the excitement and build up of potential result. It like betting on a horse... and it winning! the thrill. The joy... but also the anticipation while you wait 5 mins for the result. And then the squinting at the test to try and convince yourself that you've won. That you've got the much longed for result. 

Each month is a lottery. You buy a ticket... you pick your best numbers. And then you wait! And wait... and wait. Actually everything to do with pregnancy is waiting. 

Of course this morning at 9dpo was negative! 

Ovulation Prediction Kits (OPKs)

So there are several kinds that i've come across (there could be more) But you have the internet cheapies (ICs) and then the clear blue ones. So you have the Clear Blue Fertility Monitor (this one gives you smiley faces that are flashing or static) and the Clear Blue Advance Fertility Monitor (this one has a screen and has low, high and peak and also tests for pregnancy) i have the latter one. 

So every morning i pee on the CBFM as instructed and an internet cheapie i do first thing in the morning, one straight after work and one just before bed. (i know you're not supposed to do one first thing, but i do) 

You don't necessarily need to do both, but sometimes you can peak twice. You can get a positive opk and then not actually ovulate. And you could peak again a week or so later and then ovulate. This could happen a couple of time in a month (thus causing AF to be delayed). This is why i like to temp as well. Because it confirms that you've ovulated. 

The negative side of the CBFM that i have is that once you hit peak, you can't test again until you're ready to test for pregnancy. You can only test when it tells you to. I've not had a cycle yet where i've peaked and not ovulated, but i know some women do. 

I have however had a few issues since the miscarriage. I had one month where i didn't get a peak, and then this month where i go the peak the morning that i had the temp shift. But i'm thinking my hormones are still a little off. 

BBT

So here's what i know about Basal Body Temperature.

First of all, you need a BBT thermometer, which takes temps with 2 decimal points. So you get a much more accurate reading. You need some form of app... I use Kindara (which is free) and Fertility Friend (which is about £27 a year) 

Kindara has a great community, but FF is much better for analysis, and it will tell you when you've ovulated and stuff. 

So every morning as soon as you wake, without getting up or going to the loo, or talking or anything you take your temperature. You can go it orally, or vaginally. And record it. General concept is before ovulation they are low, and after ovulation they are high. 

So my temps before O are below 36.30 and after O after above 36.30. 

The rule of thumb is once you've had a temp shift where 3 temps are above the last 6, then you've ovulated. And your day of ovulation is the last day before the temp shift. 

The most misunderstood thing about temping, is that BBT doesn't predict ovulation, it confirms it. 

The prediction comes from the opks, and cervical mucus. 

2nd cycle post MMC

So this month... i upped the game again. We've got a holiday booked or i should say 'baby moon' booked to Mauritius,  which we booked when we found out i was pregnant. I'm so scared to not be pregnant....

I dunno about you. But the pressure i put on myself is unreal!

So anyway. i've been peeing on opks 3 times a day and using the Clear Blue Advanced Digital Fertility Monitor. This month though, i had a positive late on the evening of cd10, with not even a hint of a line that morning. The morning of cd 11 i'd had a temp shift and then had peak on my CBFM. so not too sure what happened this month. But i think we DTD (did the deed) around the right time.

My poor other half was given a strict schedule of when we had to have sex. And bless him, he did manage to complete the challenge. But both of us were knackered by the end of fertile week. Luckily i ovulated early, although the night of the positive opk, he was away with work. So hoping we did enough. 

I'm currently 8dpo. I of course peed on a stick this morning. And of course it was negative because if you didn't know, the egg, if fertilised, only implants around 7-10dpo, so its almost impossible to get an actual BFP until 10dpo. But i guarantee it won't stop me testing tomorrow morning!

Good night for now... we'll see what tomorrow brings!

1st Month Post MMC

So it brings us up to last month. I had a fairly normal cycle. I ovulated on cd 19 (instead of 15) and my luteal phase was only 10days not 12 days. which meant that my cycle was 29 days instead of my usual 26/27 days. Of course i was devastated that i didn't conceive the first month.

I seemed to have in it my head that there was some kind of super fertility after a miscarriage. So i strapped on my fertility cape and had sex at the perfect time throughout fertile week. Although no opks worked and it took about 2 weeks to get a negative pregnancy test.

Of course as a poas (pee on a stick) addict i was testing from 8dpo (days post ovulation) which of course were negative. And i was getting sadder and sadder and then had a total meltdown.

I told my other half that i couldn't possibly be around him and his son the weekend my period was due, because it was just too hard. So i booked in to go stay with one of my oldest friends. I was terrified of the negative test!

Friday night AF (aunt flo - period) hit me with a vengeance!! and weirdly i felt a little better. My hormones must have levelled out a little.

Come Saturday morning i was all packed ready to head off.... at 6am i get the best wake up call.... THE PUPPIES HAVE BEEN BORN!!! or are actually in the middle of being born! we had a puppy on order as such... but we had to wait for the birth to choose him. It was all done over facebook... crazy and amazing this world is now! we say in bed at 6am watching the birth of our puppy.... Talk about make the arrival of my period better.

MMC Options

So after the total shock of the private scan i went into total robot mode. My other half was amazing. He took charge and organised doctors appointments and took the week off work and organised food (not that i could eat) and made me a coffee (that i hadn't had in two months) and got me in the shower and dressed. I was referred to EPU and so off we headed to Kingston Hospital and spent the day there.
The staff were amazing. I cannot give enough credit to the NHS in this situation. We are so lucky to have this health care. I was rescanned and discussed options.

Option 1: wait and see what happens, leave it a week or so and come back for another scan. If nothing happens after a week option 2 and 3 become and option.

Option 2: medical management. Take a pill to bring on the miscarriage. You have to pass the baby and the sac and all the tissue, like an early labour.

Option 3: Surgical management. Its called an ERPC. They basically use a vacuum to remove all of the baby, sac, tissue and lining from the uterus.

I opted for option 3. I'd had two scans by now that both confirmed no heartbeat, and i was off on holiday at the end of the week. My body had had 2 weeks to recognise that the baby had died, and it hadn't naturally expelled it. I thought it would allow me to move on the quickest.

All i could think about is becoming pregnant again. The thought of being without a baby in me was heartbreaking.

So i was booked in for the following day. It was a weird scenario. i was numb, and could laugh and joke and pretend it wasn't happening. The reality of it hadn't sunk in.

The operation was very quick and easy and only took around 20 mins. I was put under general anaesthetic and was back on the ward without even knowing what was happening.

When i first stood up, to go to the loo, i had a huge gush of blood, and was so panicked that it wouldn't stop. It did. And actually thats about all i had. Id stocked up on mega sanitary towels and pain killers. I needed a couple of pain killers in the following days, but hardly bled at all. Physically, i was healed rather quickly. Emotionally it was a different story.

I was a total mess. I'd taken the week off work, and found myself just crying all the time, ever time i had a moment alone, in the shower, late at night, making a cup of tea. And i could be totally fine and then just cry, out of no where. I was not prepared for the emotional turmoil. My hormones were all over the place. My poor other half had ever outburst you could imagine.

BUT.... it does get better. over time. It took about a month for my hormones to level out and for me to start feeling normal again.

Losing the thing i'd longed for the most!

So after the most amazing Christmas and New Year of my life to date, we were so excited for the early scan we'd booked. I mentioned earlier that i was a bit of a control freak... the concept of waiting until 12 weeks to see our growing bundle of joy was just unthinkable. 

So 8 weeks and 5 days we head off for our scan. I'm full to the brim of liquid (you have to go with full bladder for an early scan) so i'm shaking part with nerves and part with needing to pee. Lay down on the bed, gripping my other half hand so hard that he was wincing. 

The moment i'd been longing for, for 5 weeks. And the minute the machine hits my stomach, i knew something was wrong. With all the research that i'd been doing with regards to TTC and BBT and HPT and OPKs i'd also turned my attention to pregnancy and all the stages as soon as i got the positive test. So i KNEW what the scan should have looked like. and the baby on the screen was small. 

To make things worse, i didn't have a full enough bladder, so they asked me to go pee and then they'd do an internal scan. Which they did and my heart sank, as they focused in on the blob, and it was measuring 6weeks and 4 days... there was no heart beat. 

I can't even describe the hurt, the feeling, the lack of breath. I was lost i literally couldn't walk, speak, the rest of that evening was a blur. A missed miscarriage. An MMC. A totally unnoticed death. 

I was so many emotions. The most prominent... anger. Anger towards my own body. It hadn't even realised, or let me know that there was a problem. I couldn't even trust my body! I was broken. The dream that i have lived in the last couple of months was just burst in an instant! 

It is genuinely the hardest thing i have ever been through. What was to come was even harder. The reason for me writing in detail is that i think women (and men) should be made more aware of the possibility of a miscarriage. I was clueless. I just never thought it would happen to me. And i was also so scared of what was to come and the options. 

My heart goes out to you if you're in this situation. And all i can tell you is take some time, grieve, be kind to yourself and i hope you have great support around you. 

The Story So Far

So our TTC journey started just over a year ago. We had a few months of casually not trying, not preventing where we basically got drunk and forgot to pull out! And who was i kidding... i'm a class A control freak! So this casual stuff lasted all of about 2 months! We then had a couple of months following apps of when i was supposedly ovulating.

Instantly i decided i was broken, and i was out of balance and we defo weren't ever going to have a baby! *meltdown no1* i booked in immediately for a blood test to check all hormone levels. Of course they came back normal. After a few months of negative tests and totally being disheartened i decided to up my game. My other half is of course totally unworried... he's had a kid he's confident all will go well. By this point we're up to August. The apps are obviously not working, so i decide to start doing opks and tracking bbt. A TOTALLY new world to me.

Its one of those worlds that you never assume you will enter. You're told constantly in your younger years that you can get pregnant so easily and then you get into your 30's and decide to have a baby and suddenly its not happening.... and if you're anything like me panic sets in. Sheer terror that you may not have a child, that you'll be left empty and life isn't worth it.... cue *meltdown no2*

I'll explain a little more about BBT and opks in the next couple of posts... but i basically forked out for a Clear Blue Advanced Fertility Monitor and a book called 'Taking Charge of Your Fertility' by Toni Weschler. Its the best book i've ever read. I started reading up of things, and noticed that i could answer almost any question to friends about fertility and how it all works and i was mind blown!

So anyway. After 4 cycles of tracking my temps opks, legs up after sex, cutting out alcohol, caffeine, fast food, or anything unhealthy, using Fertile Check fertility gel, taking ever pill under the sun, i gave up, had a month of doing what i want and finally we got those two lines! a BFP... we were pregnant.... it was just before Christmas. I was over the moon, we both were. Baby due August. Best news ever....

So we came up with all these cute ways of announcing, to my parents, to his parents, to his son. Which we did and everyone was over the moon. My parents especially as it would be their first grandchild.

And then my world was blown apart! Destroyed! Like a pain i've never felt before. We lost the baby!

Introductions

So i should introduce myself before i divulge personal information about myself and my family.
I'm 33, female, owner of a cake shop. Living with my other half, he's 36,  in a house we love. He has an almost 12yr old son from a previous relationship. We have two cats, a bearded dragon, in April we'll be getting a puppy and for the last year or so we've been trying to conceive a baby.

Our household is total chaos but all controlled by myself. The reason for this blog is an outlet for everyday craziness of family life, animal dramas, and most importantly the ridiculous journey of making a baby.