Losing the thing i'd longed for the most!

So after the most amazing Christmas and New Year of my life to date, we were so excited for the early scan we'd booked. I mentioned earlier that i was a bit of a control freak... the concept of waiting until 12 weeks to see our growing bundle of joy was just unthinkable. 

So 8 weeks and 5 days we head off for our scan. I'm full to the brim of liquid (you have to go with full bladder for an early scan) so i'm shaking part with nerves and part with needing to pee. Lay down on the bed, gripping my other half hand so hard that he was wincing. 

The moment i'd been longing for, for 5 weeks. And the minute the machine hits my stomach, i knew something was wrong. With all the research that i'd been doing with regards to TTC and BBT and HPT and OPKs i'd also turned my attention to pregnancy and all the stages as soon as i got the positive test. So i KNEW what the scan should have looked like. and the baby on the screen was small. 

To make things worse, i didn't have a full enough bladder, so they asked me to go pee and then they'd do an internal scan. Which they did and my heart sank, as they focused in on the blob, and it was measuring 6weeks and 4 days... there was no heart beat. 

I can't even describe the hurt, the feeling, the lack of breath. I was lost i literally couldn't walk, speak, the rest of that evening was a blur. A missed miscarriage. An MMC. A totally unnoticed death. 

I was so many emotions. The most prominent... anger. Anger towards my own body. It hadn't even realised, or let me know that there was a problem. I couldn't even trust my body! I was broken. The dream that i have lived in the last couple of months was just burst in an instant! 

It is genuinely the hardest thing i have ever been through. What was to come was even harder. The reason for me writing in detail is that i think women (and men) should be made more aware of the possibility of a miscarriage. I was clueless. I just never thought it would happen to me. And i was also so scared of what was to come and the options. 

My heart goes out to you if you're in this situation. And all i can tell you is take some time, grieve, be kind to yourself and i hope you have great support around you.